Insecurity

hokay, so this was inspired by a story on u mah buds from back home told me about this kid who committed suicide, and this is supposedly how it went down, though, it is highly plausible otherwise as well. I think we can all agree that the gossip that goes on back there is usually a little less than accurate, but I was given a basic overview and filled in the rest.



Just Having Fun
The suns rays hang lazily in the sleepy expanse of the afternoon
and I hear myself asking how tonight can I escape the doom.
Looking through the campus, my home, to soak in the vibes
of a wonderful learning experience minus the cliquish tribes.
The hundred year old elms hang low to the ground
to shelter themselves from sirens and strangers pious.
I hear the sound of life around my view of the world
and am calm and happy and laugh as I watch scampering mice.
Life is so beautiful; so complete; so colorful and alive
that it causes me to appreciate all that is ambiguous and contrive.
I t is, after all, the random fire which scorches the earth and burns the trees
causing it to grow again more beautiful than on a coast in Belize.
The woods and water are proof of the god that causes my guilt
and tells me I shouldn’t be doing what I think and know is fun.
The shrieking hypocrites, who kill you with their words of judgement,
are taking out their swords of slander and honing them to get the job done.
What job is this you say? What job is this indeed?
how could someone have this as a need.
When they find someone who doesn’t live up to their expectations
they will do their best to destroy that soul through negative lamentations.
"Fuck them" is what I think as I reflect that I am my own,
and that life is what you make of it and never really blown.
I know that I can shake off the devilish remarks that come from The Mean
if I only didn’t care so much about acceptance; it is what I feign.
Night time comes and the party is starting to get wild;
the veranda is lit with the hazy green, purple, lights that seem so vile.
The music beats loud with a boom, boom, boom and I feel good
to be in this place at this time on this wonderful drug that illuminates the my mood.
I look to my friends and see they are enjoying themselves as well
the buzz is fucking awesome and to lose it would be hell.
Then I realize that I get fucked up for the fun, and to love my youth
I do it for the experiences; I do it to discover a little bit of truth.
The high is getting intense; I think I better take a break
and go back into myself before I do something dumb that’s a mistake.
But the stars of the night just keep slyly flying in their crazy shapes
and causing me to nervously wrap my eyes in a jacket like drapes.
II
Who is this changing the party’s aura with negative tones
and warnings of a fiery retribution for all my lack of salvation.
She is in my face now and memories of her steely, grey eyes
haunt me from a past I know and love and from want no degradation.
Why must you treat me as an outcast with your words of hatred
and hurtfulness in which you know I hold way too much stock.
Just because I am one of the ones who does what you don’t think is right
doesn’t mean that you should throw our history onto the chopping block.
She doesn’t agree; I am left feeling like I am destroying myself
and that I am not worth the oxygen it requires to keep me living life.
As she walks out of the front door She calls me the name "junkie"
and I felt my heart string pull and my brain snaps from all the strife.
My thoughts are racing thoughts that are crazy and violent and necessary
and my nerves twitch and my skin burns and I seea light; looks like a floating fairy.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The apprehension is taking over on this dark dark night
my thoughts are with the gazing eyes in the room making me want to take flight.
I look around the grotto and notice everyone is staring at me now that she is gone
and on her way back to wherever she came from before she sent me into the psychosis.
The eyes are burning up my hands and my feet and my face and I hear all their voices moan
and im scared because everyone seems to dislike me as if I have a bad case of halitosis.
The people blend together as my friend comes to ask if im O.K.,
but I cant hear him and I don’t know who he is; I think he wants to hurt me.
I am covered by the night sky and I cant breathe beyond a short gasp.
My skin is hot and beading with sweat and I see everything bad I’ve done as if in a movie.
III
\\
I have to get out of this wicked, wicked place that hates me with a passion,
th\at holds my thoughts like prisoners, that my self-confidence is bash in.
I will go to my room and hide from the demons and ghouls of my fraternity
and I hide in the thin blanket shuddering like a baby in the belly of a mother during maternity.
I hear strange and ominous sounds from all over the room and I feel my fear
then someone says ill never be normal again in the hall; insanity begins to rear
its ugly head and I lose my cool; I think to myself I should turn back the clock
to before I took the horrible drug then it would go away, but instead I mock
my feet and think I should jump out of my window and run to get a colored smock.
I want to get on a boat and feel the whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, of the waves on the hull
but all these thoughts come and go like the truest love from summer camp and my senses are full
I know. I know. I know that I will never be the same and I don’t care so much about that
its that I have pushed away the person, people, ideology, lifestyle that make me 3-D; not flat.
Life is no longer worth living to me and think I will end it now.
I grab an old climbing rope and my neck I begin to wrap it around.
Throwing the rope over the pull-up bar is no problem and I step onto the bucket.
I pull the rope tight, make a knot, stand for a minute, look to the sky and say-"Fuck it"
I lift myself up onto the rope and kick the bucket over; then I let go of the rope and fallto the end
I hear sinews and bones and joints in \my neck popping; the bright red brain flashes say to bend.
well, I think to myself, if my neck doe\sn’t snap soon the rope will choke me to death.
pull up bar starts to creak, then, sudde\nly, I am on the floor, I take a deep breath.
The whole pull up bar comes loose from the wall and I am sent crashing to the hard floor
gasping for air and frantically pulling the rope off my neck, I think ill make a break for the door.
I get out of the closet and am running down a dark hall of despair and agony that seems a mile
Running out of the front door, I am filled with a wonderful euphoric sensation, and I smile.
Looking to my right a see a diamond fountain, I think to myself Ill go swim for w while.
The water is very cold and as I slowly immerse mybody, I feel the liquid freeze up my vial.
it moves up my feet, then legs, then torso, and it begins to overcome me and fix my stare
water smells of wet, dank, hundred year old metal on a foggy coastlineand the Dragons Lair
Thoughts flooding my now conscious mind that I am still alive for another day
my utter amazement and disbelief is brought from the biggest ocean of dismay.
The rope has broken before the jobs done and I am happy, soo soo happy, to still be on the map
I think ill restart my life, be a good person, then my brain starts to burn and I hear a loud-SNAP!
The End